Play the Part of An Optimist

Incurable Optimist.

This would be one of my more defining characteristics. Even when I was hooked up to an echo cardiogram machine that beeped every time I so much as moved my ass, I was thinking what a great blog post/dinner story/attention grabbing gimmick it would be.

The only times I get depressed are when I am alone. As soon as I have one other person (or one hundred) to 'perform' for, all morbid thoughts and pessimism is dissolved immediately.

And there are 2 cardinal rules I follow when faced with a challenge, can i do anything about it? Yes? Then I don't worry and get on with what I can do. I cant do anything about it? Then why the hell would I worry about it if its out of my hands??

Bottom line... Don't worry about it.

Use a Happy Memory as a Guide

The earliest ever memory I have is one of being trapped and wussing out.



I have no idea how old I was but I was sufficiently young enough that I was still sleeping in a cot in my parent's room. So no more than 18 months.


I woke up in the middle of the night and felt an overwhelming urge to join my parents on their bed. Which was WAAAAAAAAAAY across the room. About 6 feet away.


I scrambled up and held on to the 'bars' of the cot with every intention of clambering over the rail, lowering myself to the ground and crawling/walking over to the warmth and safety of my mother's embrace.


But the ground looked so far away.


I distinctly remember gauging the distance, gathering my courage and then... losing it immediately. I tried psyching myself that it wasn't that far away and cast many hopeful glances at the bed willing my progenitor to wake up and gather me into their loving hands. They didn't even stir.

I gave up without attempting that jump.


I have no idea why this memory has stayed with me but it sure has figured in a LOT of the subsequent jumps I have made ever since. "Ladi are you going to wuss out and not make it out of this cot you find yourself?"


And I have made countless happy memories by reminding myself of that first recorded memory


Decisions have been made easier and I have fallen into a nice cycle where happy memories encourage me to take a chance, (or think things through) because I have sufficient perspective to realize that although this might seem like a harrowing (or exhilarating) experience at the time, it was going to end up as a happy memory I could use to motivate myself in the future.

Some of the strongest memories I have (thus far) are the ones I made in AIESEC. Particularly on stage facing hundreds of my peers and knowing... beyond a doubt... that each and every single person in the room was focused on me. And my words. For that 30min session, being able to wallow in all that attention was just nirvana for a narcissist like me.

My active AIESEC days are over, so therein lies the question? How do I recapture that feeling of all-encompassing attention on myself? DO I become a motivational speaker? Nope! I can hardly motivate myself to go to the gym... that wont wash.

Perhaps if I followed Rowling's example? How much more attention does one want knowing someone has paid to read what you wrote?

So enjoy this while you can... it's gonna cost you very soon! Heh.

Identify With Your Heritage

I met a lady today who had visited 40 countries.

She was Canadian, with an Australian passport who lives and works in Auckland. And oh... she has a Japanese name. (more on this later)

In the world of today that we live in, especially for young people, national borders and restrictions are starting to mean less and less. There are so many opportunities for cross-cultural experiences, work and play.

There is almost nothing that you know that is not immediately known to, or available to be known by almost everyone else in the world. (thank you world wide web) This amazing shrinking of the planet earth comes with never-before-imagined opportunities.

Grow up in a technological advanced Asian nation; school in a predominantly Anglo-Saxon cultural centre that is noted for its Opera House, rustling outback and Hugh Jackman; Do an internship with one of the biggest investment houses in (one of) the financial capitals of the world that Spiderman calls home; go travelling in Latin America with your brown-skinned boyfriend who has roots in the cradle of civilization and the land of leprechauns and River Dance.

At this point, it doesn't really matter where you live, you are so thoroughly immersed as a global citizen that each city/town/nation you arrive in, opens it arms and welcomes you with a warm embrace.

And yet...

It is not for nothing that adopted children go to great lengths to find their birth parents. There is a nagging feeling of incompleteness. A sense of unfinished business that gnaws at your balance and clouds your prospect for the future. You need to know where you have come if you are to make anything of the road you intend to travel. Otherwise life's journey becomes a never-ending question.

So although national borders MIGHT be losing their relevance, national cultures are not. I have lived in 5 different countries and consider myself a citizen of a world but I remain and will always be a Nigerian national. I have been asked from time to time what part of Nigeria I come from and I always answer...

"...the Yoruba. The name, language and people of the South-West of Nigeria. Stretching across Nigeria, Togo and Benin Republic, this 40-million strong race are a people of passion, power and history. A race of Warrior-Poets and Soldier-Kings, the Yoruba are renowned for their daring feats of courage, acts of compassion, and love of their culture..."

Ok, so maybe not as eloquently as the above.

But it is HOW I should respond anytime I am asked. I realized after moving to Aotearoa that the urge to find other Yoruba people and speak the language, crack a few jokes in typically loud and ostentatious manner became over-whelming after a few months. Thank Goodness for the small but vibrant community here in Auckland.

So go on... take pride in your heritage. Know where you are from and it really does become easier for you to shake off the restricting aspects of that heritage and make you more adept at incorporating new and beneficial aspects to your own personal heritage.

Seek Positive Emotion as a Path to Success

A smile will do wonders for your day.

Crappy day, crunching numbers the whole day, missed the deadline for your boss, missed your bus and got caught in the rain.

Little girl on the next bus (which was 40mins late) smiles at you and everything is okay with the world.

The first picture I had in my head was a super hot girl (of the older variety) pouting her lips and smiling at you on the bus... but then I realized that she might be smiling at you with pity and secretly laughing at your sodden and dishevelled appearance.

But a 5-year old angel of a child's smile at that point, while still laughing at you, will covey that sense of innocence and wonder that little children effortlessly convey. It's more laughing WITH you rather than AT you actually.

And rather than getting home and snapping at your beautiful wife, (who wouldnt have liked the hot girl smiling at you anyway) going to bed misreable and having an even worse day at work the next day, you kiss your wife, take a shower and go to bed with the feel of a loved one's kiss and the memory of a smile that made up for the crappy day.

And BECAUSE of all the positive emotions, you go to work the next day and not only submit the report but also suggest strategies for pulling the company out of its downward spiral and they promote you to CEO.

Ok, a bit simplistic I know.

But in said story lies a moral. Success does not bring happiness. Nay. It is the other way round. Those who are happy and content with their lot in life but who want to continue to see smiles and contentment in their lives are more likely to seek out ways to make this happen. And even if they dont suceed at first, they have the fall-back cushion of what made them seek out that success in the first place. To generate more positive emotions so to speak.

And even if there seems to be little or nothing to generate positive emotions, the key word here is "seems". There is ALWAYS something to bring a smile to your face. It's all about perspective people.

Me? I am an incurable optimist. Even when I lay hooked up to a echo-cardiac machine that beeped when I so much as lifted an ass-cheek to fart, all I could think of was how it would make a great party story. Or a great blog post.

An incurable sanguine, who feeds off positive emotions I am quick to surround myself with people who ooze positive emotions. And can consume great quantities of wine and still argue the merits of the death penalty.

So think happy thoughts and think your way to success so you can make more than your peers.

Make More Money Than Your Peers

Ridiculous!

How can open success that stands heads and shoulders above the success of your peers make you happy?

My house is bigger, my car sleeker, my country club membership more exclusive than yours friends! That gives me such a thrill, secret hidden thrill but a thrill nonetheless.

Ridiculous but true.

In "Count Your Blessings" I highlighted as one of my key blessings, the friends/peers that inspire you and make you strive to become better than you are. The inspiration given by your peers is quite different from the inspiration given you by a mentor/older person/parent.

Peer inspiration actually gives you a clear and present standard to measure yourself against, a standard that is current and subject to all the same challenges, opportunities and failures of your own personal situation.

And doesn't it feel good when you come out ahead of them?

And yet the caveat here is that your peers BE successful. There is no use (or fun) comparing yourself to someone who is so out of (beneath) your class! Because the 'feel-good' factor disappears and rather than secretly gloat at your edge, you become embarrassed at the gulf between you.

There is no satisfaction in flaunting your material wealth in front of someone who isn't similarly blessed. Rather than flaunt, you probably become even apologetic for it, or even worse you rub their noses in it. (Chances are that they are 'happier' and more satisfied anyway). I am happy to report that no one I call 'friend' has such a mean terrible streak in them. I think.

So this is a clarion call to all my peers. Make lots of money so I can make just that little more. And if it's the other way round... well... consider it my contribution to your happiness index!

PS
I am moving from my swanky city centre apartment into a proper house. (Two,) three bedroom house with a garden, picket fence and off-street parking. God Help Me!

Do Something Nice for Someone Else

I bought Tope perfume the other day.

A few weeks ago, she tried to drag me to a sale that was going on in one of the malls where there were tons of parallel imported stuff not least among them designer perfumes.

The key words here are, 'tried to' as I stubbornly refused to be coaxed from the the comfort of my couch that weekend. We did eventually go to a Colombian party that weekend which happened to be a stone's throw from the mall but still I didnt feel like going. And so we didnt.

Very mean of me I know.

Anyway, the weekend after, I walked to the city library to return some books leaving Tope at home. The city library happens to be right smack in the middle of downtown Auckland. Queen Street which is the premier shopping boulevard in the central business district was right next to the library.

I noticed Smith & Caughey's were open and I knew they had quite the collection of perfumes so I went in and was met with a babble of noise and commotion. There was apparently a perfume sale going on!

To cut a long story short, I spent hundreds of dollars on perfume for me wife and I just need to add, these were hundreds of dollars that I couldnt afford.

But on the way home, I was stepping on clouds and had such a good feeling in the pit of my stomach. After being a meanie the previous weekend, I was imagining Tope's face when i presented the haul to her and I wasnt disappointed.

"Every man for himself" seems to be a survival instinct for most animals. Man however has the amazing capacity for extreme good and charity towards his fellow man. (for evil too but this is not the focus of this post) And there is no substitute of course for the love of a mother for her child.

But if you can explain the irrational love that a mother has for offspring, it is when a human being does something truly charitable for his fellow human with whom he has no filial relationship, one can begin to sense the perfection that a society can and should aspire to.

So go out and do something nice for someone with no expectation of a reward. Do it and see the confusion and joy in the person's eyes, tell the person, "this one's on me". It really does work.

Laugh Big

I had an uncle who spoke in capital letters.

Of blessed memory now, my uncle was a Chief Judge and was the spitting image of my own father. Some people are described as being soft-spoken, Justice Kunle Ajayi was NOT one of them.

He was one of those individuals who through sheer force of personality dominated whatever setting he happened to be in. Not very tall at maybe 5"5, his booming voice and sanguine personality made him larger than life.

And did I mention his laugh?

It was the sort of laugh that shocked you out of your lethargy, infected you with its candence and forced you to attempt to contribute your own laugh to whatever was the cause of amusement. Never mind that you didn't actually know why he was laughing.

My laugh was quite famous when I was growing up as well, and I had my mother shake her head in bemusement and mutter to herself many times, "Laughs just like Justice". My laughing buddy in Sweden, Maria Klockar Johansson and I shared many a laugh together. Whether it was laughing at Amit Desai or at the strange looks we got when we went shopping for groceries together, Maria happens to be one of those I would be willing to enjoy a laugh with any day any time.

It's important to laugh. Not everyone can. Or does. Laugh until you cry, until your sides ache or in my case, laugh until I get a stich in my side.

A colleague asked me just today, "What was the most embarassing thing you ever did"? At first I scoffed as if to say, "I must have too many to remember". But when i tried to recall an embarassing moment, it was much harder than I thought.

I think it goes back to laughing. My ability to laugh at myself. Most situations that would be absolutely mortifying to ordinary people, I laugh at and forget the very next minute. Well... this could also mean I have no shame whatsover but lets not go there.

There is a brand new channel on my Sky TV subscription called Comedy Central. And one of my favorite shows on it is "Just For Laughs" which shows highlights from the annual Montreal Comedy Festival. Now that is a career I wouldnt mind having. Stand-Up comedy. Too bad I dont have the talent for it. Although me mum must have thought I had a future in it as she would laugh back then when I asked her for her car.

Please check out this extremely funny fellow from the UK in the clip below. And go on... Laugh Big!

Move Your Body

I have a friend called Harrison.

Harrison recently posted pictures of himself on facebook. He was at the beach with his new girlfriend (i am assuming) and they were both standing in the spray of the waves and generally made quite the lovely couple.

Harrison was looking quite buff, his black skin was gleaming, well chiseled pecs and biceps and his abs looked like you could grate cheese on them.

Did I say he was my friend...? I really hate the guy!

As far as I am concerned, he only put those pictures on to spite me. The bastard. I posted here on this very blog about wanting a body like Usher's almost 3 years ago!!!! And here I am... 3kg heavier and the extra kilos round my waist!

Living a healthy lifestyle for sure translates into a happier lifestyle and even if one does not have washboard abs, being active and relatively fit makes for a good combination. Like in all things, all I need is some discipline and external motivation and I really do think I can get a body like Usher Raymond's.

Discipline I will have to sort out for myself but external motivation will have to come from dreaming of the day I can put MY beach photos on facebook and show that Harrison of a boy that if he can do it... then so can I!!!

Nurture Your Spirituality

One of the most 'rewarding' times in my life was a school term in secondary school. I must have been about 12 or 13 and I really hated school.

It was the first time I had ever been away from home and I was finding it hard to cope with looking after myself, studying to be an A student and dodging the wrath of the older students who seemed to make it their life's work to be as mean as possible to their juniors.

This school term I refer to, I had decided to become a fully committed christian. Born-again, spirit filled and speaking in tongues. It was the 'in-thing' then and scores of students could be seen clutching bibles in addition to their text-books everywhere they went.

One of the maxims I took to heart that school term was, "In all things, give thanks". And I did.

When I was doing hard manual labor cutting grass and/or washing the dormitory toilets, I gave thanks.

When I was being wailed upon by the House Captain with a leather belt for not cleaning the toilet properly, I gave thanks.

When I missed lunch because I was recleaning the toilet, I gave thanks.

When I broke my pair of glasses rushing to the dining room for supper because I was so damn hungry, I gave thanks.

I gave thanks and believed God was watching over me and whatever happened was all part of the Master plan. And that term seemed to fly past. I was always at peace and nothing seemed to rattle me. When good things DID happen to me, it was validation that God had just been testing me previously to make sure that I was worthy of the really good things that did happen to me.

I think I hit puberty the term after that and started noticing which girls in my class had grown boobs and spirituality went out the window.

But the point is that, spirituality is a key aspect of happiness. Tests after tests have shown that people who proclaim to belong to some religion or the other have been polled as being "more satisfied" with their lot in life.

I am not as... spiritual... as I would like to be. I have travelled too much, seen too much and have become a bit too cynical that I doubt I can ever recapture the peace and tranquility of that school term again.

I envy those truly devout religious people. Of whatever belief. Although I do not share those beliefs, the anchor religion gives to these individuals is a great reason not to outlaw religion as a whole. And although religion has killed more people than it has saved, an atheist society would be a very empty society and I think religion does have a part to play in the balance of the perfect society.

I seek peace and spirituality these days in the comfort of my solitary walks in the Albert Park of downtown Auckland. Where I invariably pray Christian prayers to a Christian God even knowing fully well that a lot of so-called christians I wouldn't invite to my house also claim to pray to this same God.

Spirituality can be found in many different places, the patterns of the leaves falling from a majestic tree in the park; the grasp of a little child's hand on your index finger; the laugh of an elderly couple who are obviously still in love.

Where is Your Spirituality?

Snog. Canoodle. Get It On.

We live in a sex-obsessed society.

Sex is used to sell everything from movies, bikes, burgers and songs all the way to...sex itself. Porn industry yes I am speaking directly to you!

But it's no secret that the endorphins released from coitus (and everthing leading to it) has such a powerful effect in numbing pain that individuals have been known to going over and beyond in a quest to continually feel that pleasant glow that good sex brings.

I have had the privilege of living in 3 quite distinct countries and cultures. And it is amazing how different the attitudes towards sex are in each of the three.

In Nigeria, sex is definitely NOT a dining table family discussion topic. Depending on what part of the country you love in... sorry live in... it could be a discussion behind closed doors with your mother, consisting of her telling you that even being touched by a boy now that your period has started would result immediately in pregnancy;

or it could be a biology lesson where you have the diagram of the uterus looking like a cow's head on the board and your teacher ignoring the chuckles and embarassed looks being passed around the classroom;

or it could even be the odd sex scene on TV and your dad diving behind the newspaper pretending not to be in the room and your mum finding an excuse for YOU not be in the room or simply just changing the channel.

Yep! Sex is something not explicitly discussed but you are supposed to somehow pick up and master on all your own. Or if it is discussed, it is in black and white terms. DO NOT ever try it before marriage!

Sweden now on the other hand, oh my goodness! One of the biggest culture shocks I got in Sverige was the knowledge that 16 year girls could invite their boyfriends over to stay the night IN THEIR PARENTS house!

There is the famous Scandinavian openness about nudity. Topless beaches abound and public saunas although possessing seperate changing rooms for males and females only ever have common saunas. This is not to say that the whole country is constantly engaged in mass orgies but there is a maturity of approach that recognizes that sex is a very natural human activity and as such should be treated as one.

Most couples you find in Sweden have lived together for several years and had one or more children before finally deciding to get married. And in addition to the usual reasons of ensuring that there is compatibility between 2 people, a female friend summed it all up by concluding, "Of course I want to sleep with him before I marry him, Who wants to end up with bad sex for the rest of their lives?"

And New Zealand? There is an amalgation of the two above I guess. There is this Puritan streak through the society that I think is a legacy of the Victorian and English roots of the population but being a truly Western Society has not been immune to the glamourization of sex. Not for nothing have NZ girls been found to have likely had more sexual partners that their counterparts in other OECD countries. Or that an annual event called "Boobs on Bikes" is such a crowd puller in the downtown Auckland district.

As a result of my upbringing, experiences and lessons of life, I guess you could say I have a fairly liberal attitude to sex. Although I am experienced enough to know that the best sex is gotten when it is between two people who truly are in love with each other and is a validation of a committed relationship. (my wife will be happy to hear this last one. Heh.)

Hear the Music

Music they say is the food of the soul.

We get goose bumps listening to music. The lyrics, the performer, the rythmn, music has the power to move, inspire and shape a society.

I would imagine if the world were about to end and only a certain small number of people had to be chosen to go into a bunker to continue civilization as we know it, composers/performers of music would be very high on the list of those to go into the bunker. (or they could record the entire world's music collection on someone's iphone)

Because you see the healers and builders and leaders when they are taking a break from being those things, need the Chopins and the Handels and the Bachs and the Christina Aguileras to help them recharge their batteries.

With devices such as the aforementioned iphone, one can pretty much carry a whole collection of music around and be constantly surrounded by melody even unto sleep.

I am looking at not only listening to music these days but actually explore how well I can make music as well. (Guitar lessons in Auckland anyone?)

But a cousin of mine is already on that path and has come up with a delightful single. I cannot figure out a way to share his song with you but as soon as it's on Youtube I will post it on here.

Count Your Blessings

"Count your blessings, name them one by one

Count your blessings, see what God has done

Cooooount your blessings, name them one by one

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done"

One of my favorite hymns in Sunday School when I was younger, the song above captures the essence of what the first strategy to getting happiness and keeping it is.

The problem is that a lot of us fail to see the blessings right under our very noses. Material wealth does not count as the true blessings of life. Cliche I know but nevertheless true.

I have always suspected that I would be a prime candidate for a mid-life crisis when I hit my forties. If I haven't published that book, become President of Nigeria or led a 10-year campaign to make Nigeria the hottest tourist destination in Africa, I will probably go out and dye my hair, get another tattoo or buy a Jaguar.

So I want to get into the habit of counting my blessings as I go along now so that I keep sight of the really important things in life.

- A wonderful wife who loves me and would do anything for me. (I would too)

- Parents who just cant stop being your parents and everything synonymous with that.

- Siblings who make me revert to being the "baby of the house" persona whenever I am with them

- Good health. (could do with a little less gut and more exercise)

- The ability to communicate with anyone around the world almost instantaneously! (Try living in Aotearoa to appreciate this one!)

- Residence in a country that emphasizes work-life balance

- Friends that inspire me and who, after talking to them, always make me strive to be better than I was. (this one's for you Kene)

- A boss who genuinely makes working that much less seem like working and sincerely wants to see you reach your potential

- A community of Nigerians where I can go and speak Yoruba and bitch about how bad things are back home

- Reaching Week 13 and relinquishing full time cooking duties and celebrating a 1 in almost 4500 chance of that scary whatsathingy-called that people are afraid of. Not that I was ever worried about it.

So go ahead people, count the blessings. It doesn't have to be the really big stuff but just from the last week. And you will see how much you have going for you!