Detriments of Being a Damn Good Listener

Communication is very important. Human existence is based in and around communication with other people, with your environment with yourself and so on and so forth. I wasn’t always a good communicator (is that a real word?) I have and always been a good speaker and I would actually count that as one of my top five strengths. But I used to suck at actually communicating with people. I was such a narcisstic, attention-seeking, over-pampered brat that I never stopped to consider the fact that loving the sound of my voice wasn’t enough. I actually had to listen to other people as well!

Since my AIESEC days, I am now a narcissistic, attention-seeking over pampered adult that listens a bit more to what other people are saying. And I discovered that the more you listen to other people, the more they are willing to listen to you in return! Works for everyone all round.

Towards the tail-end of my employment with AIESEC in Sweden, while we were preparing the team taking over from us, Maria one of my team mates came up with an exercise that served to demonstrate how group dynamics were influenced by how comfortable members of the group felt with each other.

I got to record how many times each member of the group directed a question/comment/statement to the other members of the group. Some individuals directed general comments to well… the general group. Others directed every single statement and/or question to only one other person. Even though it was supposed to be a group discussion. There was a particular individual who had the tendency to interrupt others and wouldn’t let them finish what they were going to say. By the end of the session, no one was directing their views to him and actually pointedly ignoring him.

Even since before that exercise, I have been a bit sensitive to how those dynamics work out in any group discussion or meeting I am having. I make sure I am including everyone in general statements or questions and when I am asking a specific question of someone, I turn and give that person my seeming full attention while still indicating that I expect his/her answer to be directed at the whole group. Of course this has made me an excellent facilitator of discussions (if I do say so myself) and I would go so far as to say that the added force of my personality would have made it inevitable that I would command attention anyway. (its feel-good day!)

So anyway, I find that a lot of presenters in the tons of presentations I am obliged to attend at work seem to focus on me while giving their presentations, especially those who are new at it. I have been known to crack a joke or ask an easy or obvious question to put them at their ease. So yes you might argue that I am a very good listener.

This however backfired on my in very spectacular style recently. It was a Friday and only God Almighty knows why I volunteered to go on behalf of my team and get some updates on some new software HR was rolling out. The presentation started at 3pm when thoughts are already in the pub and it was only a matter of time before the body joined.

The presenter was obviously very new at speaking before a crowd so I asked an easy question, gave a couple of audible affirmative answers when she asked if we were following and generally put her at her ease. Now, she wasn’t doing that bad a job of it in reality but it was just the time of day, the day itself and I was very tired but I unfortunately went on auto-pilot, zoned out and followed my imagination to somewhere completely different from where my physical body was.

This was why I jerked back to the meeting room with a dramatic start at the sound of my name and to very loud laughter from everybody in the room. At first I feigned laughter assuming the presenter had said something funny but when I looked at her amused smile I started to suspect that perhaps the joke was on me…

“So do you agree Ladi” she asked me. I slowly and desperately tried to recall the last few sentences (and slides) hoping I could decipher what her question to me was. “Uhm… ehrm… it depends” I said, still flailing about wildly in my mind for what the original question was. “oh really! What does it depend on?” she asked very sweetly seemingly determined not to let me off the hook!

“Well… you see… the thing is… would you repeat the question?”. I said, finally giving up. Some of my colleagues were rolling on the floor by this time and an otherwise dull session had turned into one very merry laugh-fest. At my expense!

Apparently, the presenter asked me the question twice already and I had just given her my auto-pilot smile and nodded stupidly at her until she called my name and broke my reverie. Mortified does not begin to describe my feelings. And all this because I proved I was a good listener and tried to put the faci at ease!

Ah well… next time I will only go on semi-auto pilot!

From Eagle to Kiwi

I introduced Seun and Christine in a previous post and commented on how much adjustment you make when you commit to a relationship with someone else. Even if you are from the same provincial town and grew up as childhood friends, making the jump from single with no responsibility to shared destiny is difficult enough as it is. Never mind if the individuals happen to come from different countries and cultures!

This is the position in which my good friend Sean has found himself. On July 12, 2008 he made the commitment before God, Man and the Church to spend the rest of his days with the former Ms. Christine Cole of Auckland NZ. But if their wedding day was anything to go by, they have certainly made an auspicious start!

Seun arrived here in New Zealand some 6 years ago as an IT student and has fallen in love with the country so much he has even chosen one of the ‘locals’ as his life-mate. I had the singular honor of being his best-man on his wedding day. Seun and I went to High school together yonkers ago, lost touch and met up again when I arrived here 2 years ago. (has it been that long already?!)

The run up to his wedding was quite interesting. Because even here the difference in cultures created a few challenges. The basic premise is the same if you are a Nigerian Christian. The church service is conducted with a bridal train and dressed in western style clothing. The activity after the church service is where it diverges quite a bit. Western Style weddings usually have a cocktail for a large number of people where there is finger food, non-alcoholic drinks and a lot of small talk among guests. This is followed by a more formal meal or reception where the number of guests are smaller and is strictly by invitation.

A Nigerian wedding reception on the other hand is bit more… boisterous. You still hand out invitations and all but suffice to say… no one will be checking your invitation card at the door. And where one does not even get a formal invitation, a verbal one will suffice and gives you license to bring 2 or 3 friends along. I am imagining all the weddings I have attended in Nigeria and the word that comes to mind as a description is... Carnivale!

A wedding in Nigeria is an opportunity for singing, dancing and lots and lots of food. In a society obsessed with materialism, a wedding is also an opportunity to showcase how important you are in society. Especially with the political elite a lot of couples have to deal with their supposedly happiest day turning into a tool for their parents to court political favour…

But I digress…

Sean and Christine had to balance a lot of expectations. The small but boisterous Nigerian community in Auckland was all but ready to turn this into a carnival… which would have been, quite frankly a bit too much for some of Christine’s guests to bear! So they came to what I think was a wonderful compromise by having a quick lunch after the service for close family and friends (which still numbered about 60 guests) and then we had a much more relaxed and informal reception proper “Naija” style! Cue dancing, singing, lots to eat and yours truly as Master of Ceremonies. There were still the speeches in between the songs and dances but like I said it was a bit more informal and certainly more enjoyable. All the non-Nigerian guests certainly thought so too!

The couple also changed from the western style Tuxedo and Wedding Gown to traditional Yoruba clothes complete with ‘gele’ for the bride and ‘agbada’ for the groom. The danced in to the sonorous tunes from the vocal chords of a Nigerian student who plays the piano exquisitely and had been flown in from the South of the country specifically for the event. Seun’s big sister was the only member of his immediate family who was able to make it to the wedding and there were a few tears when she read a letter from the groom’s dad to the bride’s parents.

The catering was done by a Nigerian lady and although the menu read like a continental lunch menu, there was a decidedly African flavour to the food. And it must have been a good flavour as the food was devoured until the very last morsel!

The national Football team of Nigeria is known as the Super Eagles. The eagle is also a part of the Nigerian seal and coat of arms. New Zealanders however are known as Kiwis. The Kiwi ia a flightless bird that is near extinction and is local to these twin islands known as Aotearoa (Land of the Long White Cloud). The bride’s father welcomed Sean to the family officially during his speech and seeing as my friend also got NZ permanent residency recently, it seems he has seen fit to plant his roots squarely in this unspoiled natural beauty of a land.

As I said during MY toast to the couple, May all Seun’s and Christine’s joy be true joy and may all their pain be champagne! (It sounds much better when I say it)

PS

I don’t have pictures of the wedding just yet but will upload them as soon I get them

So Far and Yet still so short

Indiscipline. The Bane of my existence.

The theory of the four temperaments is one of my favourite for determining why people act the way they do. And Tim LaHaye the best-selling co-author of the Left Behind series wrote an absolutely fantastic book called exactly that: Why We Act The Way We Do. Anyone familiar with this theory will recognize the personality types of Rocky Choleric, Sparky Sanguine, Martin Melancholy and Phil Phlegmatic.

The theory posits that everyone is born with a pre-determined set of characteristics and personality traits that basically influences how they think, act and interact with other people. Outside influences such as upbringing, society and life’s experiences only serve to highlight or de-emphasize these characteristics.

The theory points to why siblings exposed to virtually the same home environment and experiences develop completely different individual personalities. The following descriptions are mine and serve to give an idea of the different scopes of each personality type:

Rockey Choleric – Arrogant, born leader. The end justifies the means, gets the job done
Sparky Sanguine – Happy-go-lucky undisciplined. Wants everybody AT ALL times to be happy.
Mel Melancholy – Sensitive, artistic, perfectionist. Planner par excellence
Phil Phlegmatic – Languid, no worries, the less stress the better. Just wants to be left alone.

No prizes for guessing where I fall in.

Obviously, the above are extremely simplified descriptions. Like I said a whole library of literature exists on this theory and if you want to read up on it, then click on the link above and take it from there.

No one is made up of ONLY one temperament according to LaHaye's theory. There are 16 distinct sub types made up pairing the 4 main ones together. People have a dominant one and then a secondary in varying degrees. 90/10, 80/20 and sometimes 55/45. Some individuals even manage to combine three or even all four temperament traits!

The first time I heard about this theory, I asked the person explaining it to me which he thought was my secondary temperament. This person had only seen me facilitating an AIESEC conference and within the framework of contributing to the development of mankind’s potential yaddi yaddi yadda...!

...and he said I was so thoroughly sanguine and exemplified the pure temperament traits of Sparky that it was hard for him to determine what my secondary temperament was! I of course devoured the positive attributes of the sanguine and couldnt disagree at all!

light hearted, fun loving, a people person, loves to entertain, spontaneous and confident.

Yep! Thats me all right!

However looking at the weaknesses of this personality trait definitely put a dampener on events.

Weak willed, undisciplined and unproductive at times, disorganized and seldom plan ahead.

Weakness number two is the one that is a show-stopper! I know what to do, I know how to do it, I know what it takes but to actually forgo that extra 4 hours of sleep (on top of the 6 I already got) is just sooooooooooo hard! Feelings and emotions are a huge prod to the sanguine rather than reflective thought. SO if there is a sufficient amount of emotional stimulus to be gained from the activity you betcha I will do what needs to be done!

Waking up to a job he absolutely loves is a sure-fire way to get the sanguine up in the morning. A job that offers various scopes of activity like say... Computer game graphic artist or comic-book storyboard editor or even a bit more boring, sales. Any occupation that offers the sanguine variety and experiences to stimulate his emotional centre is the one for him!

Okay I am not bad as I used to be of course. Setting priorities, forgoing brief and short-term pleasures and (shock and horror!) setting a long-term plan are pretty much par for the course these days. The only problem is that the goal-posts seem to be moving quite a lot these days again. Every aspiring writer knows for example the importance of ehrm... writing. Have I been doing so? Look at the date of my last post.

Have I been THAT busy at work? Not at all! I am earning my pay at the milk company no doubt but snowed under? Hardly!

Has there been a lack of incidents and things to write about? Of course not! I am living in the Land of the Long White Cloud and everyday is a freaking adventure!

SO why is it the hardest thing sometimes to sit down and put pen to paper? (In a manner of speaking) Ah Well... I guess thats life. As long as I recognize that there is always improvement to be made and I actually do improve thats the most important thing. I guess the day will never come that I can say, "there you go... I am no longer undisciplined" but as long as I can say I am much better than I used to be... thats the most important thing!

A big hug, kiss and warm appreciation to ex-iyawo from UI, Buki. Your email stimulated that emotional centre I was talking about and got me to dust off this blog space again. It wont be a post per month as it has been for the last 3 months!!!