The only reason I am posting the questions below is because I cannot get an image out of my head. That of Tom Gara the "Different Drummer" being asked these questions! They sound SOOOOO much like answers he would come up with it.
The Aussies and Kiwis are always having a go at each other and at the risk of being visited by immigration officials, I think the Aussies always come off the better in these delightful verbal wars!
I had read this before today but can't remember if it was on a blog or a forwarded email: ENJOY!
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not..
oh forget it. ..... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Monday, April 30, 2007
"Why Being a Nigerian is so Hard"
There is a saying in the Quadrant Hotel where I work a second job as a 'concierge', about Americans.
Whatever their faults and funny accents, no matter how demanding and unreasonable they might be... they give very hefty tips! The reason for this highlight shall be made clear later on in this post.
The title of this piece is taken directly from this article in the Guardian Newspaper online by Sonala Olumhense. He writes about the promise and expectations of the Nigerian populace in 1999 when civil rule was restored to Nigeria. He argues that by and large that promise and the expectations have not been met.
It wasnt until I moved so far away from my friends and family to New Zealand that I experienced some sort of home-sickness. My previous travels have always been in the Northern Hemisphere where give or take only a couple of hours, you went to bed at the same time as the bulk of your family members and friends. In New Zealand, the major immigrant presence is Asian and the sight of a black face on Queen Street in Auckland still warrants that you stop and say hello. If only because it is that rare to see.
My feelings of home-sickness lessened considerably when I met and interacted with other Nigerians here in Kiwiland. I consider myself a through and through nomad (international nomad) but I am very proud to say that I still have STRONG connections and links to my heritage. This is exhibited in language, music and values.
Unfourtunately, when I meet people and I tell them I am from Nigeria, what springs to mind are invariably negative connotations. Spam mails and all that...
Meet an American and you get that, "I-am-an-American-so-dont-mess-with-me" attitude. The US has spent the last 2 centuries proving to the world that you dont mess with any one of their citizens or you pay for it. And they back it up with technological advancement, largest market in the economic world and all that 'sole remaining Super power in the world' bullshit.
Get introduced to a German and you expect him/her to be a boring, efficient, always-on-time machine.
An Australian bloke should be this laid back, hard to understand guy who is very helpful and keeps saying, 'G'day mate!'
And I hear in the European Union these days, a Pole is this sexy, well toned plumber who is coming to take all the food from the mouth of the original members of the EU.
The point here is that most countries project these stereotypes that put their nationalities in a good light and that come to embody what being from that particular country means. Most immigrants (economic or political) usually have to work EXTRA hard to prove that they have what it takes to make it in their adopted country.
We Nigerians must have that 10 times more.
I have had people who are just meeting me, ask me why these emails asking for your bank account seem to come only from Nigeria. Other Africans also seem to think Nigerians are responsible for a lot of vices that come into their countries. Case in point being the 'black magic' movies that are exported to the whole continent. I met this slightly drunk Ethiopian girl the other day and when she heard I was Nigerian, she jumped behind a friend and screamed in mock fear, "Save me, dont let him cast a spell on me"
Everytime I listen to the issues being discussed in the NZ parliament or read about the latest policy measures announced by Gordon Brown, I shake my head and wonder when my dear country will reach the level and maturity of these kind of decision making.
Now elections were held recently in Nigeria and the main opposition candidate was the current Vice President who had fallen out of favor with the ruling party.
He was going around making statements like, 'this current administration is very corrupt"! The same administration he was a part of for 7 years but after being outmanuveured out of contention, he switched sides. The election was very very flawed and it is a measure of the despondency that people are willing to let it slide and just want to get on with their lives!
For me, being Nigerian means I have to apply for a visa to every single country I want to visit. Every single country. It means I have to present myself physically to the Thai embassy in London to apply for a Thai visa. Even though there is an embassy here in New Zealand.
But what is this trifle of mine, compared to the tens of millions of Nigerians who live on less than 3 dollars a day and yet see the wealth that being the 6th largest producer of oil generates all around them. The wealth being concentrated in the hands of a few elites who mismanage it. To them, being Nigerian means seeing the elites move around and arrogate power to themselves while they have no idea where lunch is coming from as breakfast is being served
And ask people all around the world from Business, Science, Academia, Commerce and the arts who know a Nigerian personally, they consider him/her as an exception. For every decent and positive Nigerian they have met, they have received 10 emails asking them for their credit card details or a bank transfer all purporting to be Central Bank Governor.
No day passes by without me dreaming about what could be. For my country. Perhaps its time to stop dreaming and start acting. God knows I know firsthand how hard it is to do exactly that.
Whatever their faults and funny accents, no matter how demanding and unreasonable they might be... they give very hefty tips! The reason for this highlight shall be made clear later on in this post.
The title of this piece is taken directly from this article in the Guardian Newspaper online by Sonala Olumhense. He writes about the promise and expectations of the Nigerian populace in 1999 when civil rule was restored to Nigeria. He argues that by and large that promise and the expectations have not been met.
It wasnt until I moved so far away from my friends and family to New Zealand that I experienced some sort of home-sickness. My previous travels have always been in the Northern Hemisphere where give or take only a couple of hours, you went to bed at the same time as the bulk of your family members and friends. In New Zealand, the major immigrant presence is Asian and the sight of a black face on Queen Street in Auckland still warrants that you stop and say hello. If only because it is that rare to see.
My feelings of home-sickness lessened considerably when I met and interacted with other Nigerians here in Kiwiland. I consider myself a through and through nomad (international nomad) but I am very proud to say that I still have STRONG connections and links to my heritage. This is exhibited in language, music and values.
Unfourtunately, when I meet people and I tell them I am from Nigeria, what springs to mind are invariably negative connotations. Spam mails and all that...
Meet an American and you get that, "I-am-an-American-so-dont-mess-with-me" attitude. The US has spent the last 2 centuries proving to the world that you dont mess with any one of their citizens or you pay for it. And they back it up with technological advancement, largest market in the economic world and all that 'sole remaining Super power in the world' bullshit.
Get introduced to a German and you expect him/her to be a boring, efficient, always-on-time machine.
An Australian bloke should be this laid back, hard to understand guy who is very helpful and keeps saying, 'G'day mate!'
And I hear in the European Union these days, a Pole is this sexy, well toned plumber who is coming to take all the food from the mouth of the original members of the EU.
The point here is that most countries project these stereotypes that put their nationalities in a good light and that come to embody what being from that particular country means. Most immigrants (economic or political) usually have to work EXTRA hard to prove that they have what it takes to make it in their adopted country.
We Nigerians must have that 10 times more.
I have had people who are just meeting me, ask me why these emails asking for your bank account seem to come only from Nigeria. Other Africans also seem to think Nigerians are responsible for a lot of vices that come into their countries. Case in point being the 'black magic' movies that are exported to the whole continent. I met this slightly drunk Ethiopian girl the other day and when she heard I was Nigerian, she jumped behind a friend and screamed in mock fear, "Save me, dont let him cast a spell on me"
Everytime I listen to the issues being discussed in the NZ parliament or read about the latest policy measures announced by Gordon Brown, I shake my head and wonder when my dear country will reach the level and maturity of these kind of decision making.
Now elections were held recently in Nigeria and the main opposition candidate was the current Vice President who had fallen out of favor with the ruling party.
He was going around making statements like, 'this current administration is very corrupt"! The same administration he was a part of for 7 years but after being outmanuveured out of contention, he switched sides. The election was very very flawed and it is a measure of the despondency that people are willing to let it slide and just want to get on with their lives!
For me, being Nigerian means I have to apply for a visa to every single country I want to visit. Every single country. It means I have to present myself physically to the Thai embassy in London to apply for a Thai visa. Even though there is an embassy here in New Zealand.
But what is this trifle of mine, compared to the tens of millions of Nigerians who live on less than 3 dollars a day and yet see the wealth that being the 6th largest producer of oil generates all around them. The wealth being concentrated in the hands of a few elites who mismanage it. To them, being Nigerian means seeing the elites move around and arrogate power to themselves while they have no idea where lunch is coming from as breakfast is being served
And ask people all around the world from Business, Science, Academia, Commerce and the arts who know a Nigerian personally, they consider him/her as an exception. For every decent and positive Nigerian they have met, they have received 10 emails asking them for their credit card details or a bank transfer all purporting to be Central Bank Governor.
No day passes by without me dreaming about what could be. For my country. Perhaps its time to stop dreaming and start acting. God knows I know firsthand how hard it is to do exactly that.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Finally... an African Night on my Blog
I seem to finally have tricked my computer at home to start uploading pictures on my blog again!
I wanted to upload this picture exactly a month ago when Maria Farres was visiting and we attended the, "Miss NZ African Continental Beauty Pageant".
This was such a wonderful picture of the contestants in their evening gown. Such a stunning background and nice contrast of colors. And the beauty of the girls!
Lets see if I can get any more pictures on my blog!
MY Visual DNA
It has been quite a while hasnt it?
My blog is so far down the list of updated blogs in nomadlife.org right now and its not because there is nothing happening... its the other option... Too many things going on and no time to blog about them.
So thought it would be great to break the silence with this really cool Visual DNA thingy I first saw on Bee's blog and that has been popping up on various other blogs.
It is pretty cool!
My blog is so far down the list of updated blogs in nomadlife.org right now and its not because there is nothing happening... its the other option... Too many things going on and no time to blog about them.
So thought it would be great to break the silence with this really cool Visual DNA thingy I first saw on Bee's blog and that has been popping up on various other blogs.
It is pretty cool!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Work Team...
Check out the Middle-East and Africa team of the Fonterra Customer Service in Auckland! A very very diverse team. And the bestest and funest team on the floor!
Since the names wouldnt make much meaning, I will introduce by nationality:
Back row From left to right: Iranian-Indian; Tongan; Nigerian; Kiwi; Moroccan-Swedish; Samoan; Englishman; Indian
And the four girls in the front row: Samoan; Kiwi; Madgascan; Kiwi
The tiny lady in the front row 2nd from left is Karen Bouzaid. The bestest boss in the world! And Vicki (extreme right front row) is my hot supervisor who took such wonderful care of me when I was in hospital.
I am meeting with my new AIESEC buddy this evening (TGIF). A delightfully cute and funny Russian-Isreali girl. I already met her at the NZ AIESEC conference I attended over Easter weekend so this will be the official catch-up! Going for drinks afterwards with the whole team above to send off the Englishman who is leaving to start another job!
I love Fridays!
PS
It seems its my computer at home that cant upload pictures to blogger. I am posting from work now (hey! its a Friday evening!!!) and pictures are posting no problem.
Any ideas anyone?
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
A True Blue...
I confirmed today that the fortunes of Chelsea Football Club SW6 1HS London United Kingdom is very dear to my heart!
I got back from my second job at 06:45 (NZT) and hurried to switch on the TV to Sky Sports 2.
Unfourtunately for me, it was the other Quarter-Final match between Manure and Roma FC of Italy that was being screened live from the UEFA Champions League competition.
Unfourtunately for me, it was the other Quarter-Final match between Manure and Roma FC of Italy that was being screened live from the UEFA Champions League competition.
Since I started work again at 1300 (NZT) I decided to go to bed and get my requisite 5 hours of sweet slumber. It was anything but!
I tossed and I turned and I kept waking up, drifting back to sleep and ended up dreaming I was a member of the Chelsea squad and we were getting hammered by Valencia FC in Spain. I woke up in a cold sweat and realized after a 10 second delay that it was a dream! I looked longingly at my computer and almost got up to check the live scores from ESPN.com but decided not to!
Eventually, I got up at noon and pounced on my computer. The headline screaming at me from the Sports Page was "Manchester United Storm into Semi-Finals". And as a sub-header, "Essien puts Blues through" YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Apparently, Manure steam-rollered Roma 7 goals to 1! (Holy Shit!) while, more importantly Michael Essien, the Ghanian powerhouse scored a winning goal in the FINAL minute to put the Blues through into the Semi-final of the most prestigious club competition in the world!
Despite not getting enough sleep, I have been in a buzz the whole day and everything just seems to be hunky-dory! Its amazing how the fortunes of my club (yes its mine!) can make such a huge difference! Even manure getting through is a plus for us. Because it means they ALSO have 2 extra games to play and it becomes that much more difficult for them to defend their lead at the top of the Premiership! Not enough depth in squad. Saha, Vidic and Gary Neville are all side-lined, no one to replace them.
Another interesting thing is that Manure is looking to become finalists opposite us in the remaining three competitions we are pushing for honors. Premiership, FA Cup and Champions League. Of course we still need to get past Liverpool in the semis of the CL but hey...!
I Love this Game! I love Chelsea and when I grow up, I want to be exactly like Jose Mourinho!
Jose Mourinho is without a doubt the best manager in the world. Apart from being a genius of a tactician who can read a game to the finest detail, his colorful character and outrageous quotes have livened up the English Premiership as a whole. His substitution (a returning Joe Cole for Lassana Diarra) at half-time of this game against Valencia showed without a doubt that truly, he is a "Special One"!
No matter what Roman Abrahamovic holds against him, this victory against Valencia must have made him stop to think. If you get rid of Jose Mourinho in the summer, it would be the single biggest mistake yet in the history of the English game!!!
I can only hope that Jose becomes synonymous with Chelsea as Sir Alex Ferguson has become with Manchester United!
LONG LIVE THE BLUES!!!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
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